A broken machine

Sometimes, I wonder about my friendships and what I really do contribute to them. I like to think that I am loyal and that I am willing to serve others. But then I wonder, how much good am I really doing? I have a friend that recently got back into a relationship, and as a consequence our friendship has been seriously strained. I know alot of that had to deal with my own weaknesses. But as I conquer my demons of jealousy and self importance, I look at what I used to mean to this person. We could talk about anything, and do it with a smile on our face and joy. Now... I dont know I feel pushed into this corner, and if I make a move to escape the corner I seem to cause more offense. I was once refered to as the Kaboom*Sparkle*Sparkle*, a name to illustrate my lack of humanness? Im not sure, but Im pretty sure this firework is fading out leaving only memorys of a brilliant flash. The machine I was is broken, replaced by a man with nothing left to give. Why must I be treated as the enemy now? I dont quite understand... and probably wont for a long time.

Rantings and ravings

Something is wrong. I feel a stranger in my own life. Really, If I am not Needed by my friends do I need them? Why must I always feel like I am misunderstood. I know its just my perception so is likely faulty. But what happens to the Man that is no longer needed? So what if your life worked fine, Obviously it did you made so many choices that brought so much happiness to you. Why did you need in the first place? So treat me like a bone that has been over chewed, ready to be buried and never considered again. Its ok really Obviously your the only who had needs. Glad to know you only considered our friendship one sided. and I guess it really was. So much for my delusions that I make a difference. So go back to the way it was before. Go back to whatever you were before. Obviously I didn't help and am only in the way of your growth now. I Know this may offend you but frankly I just need to get it off my chest. I am tired of trying to be there when all along I was not wanted there. I will continue to care but at a distance that we both obviously need. Hope you find your answers and someone else you can confide in. All I wanted was a friend and all I wanted to be was a friend. if that is no longer a mutual goal then seperation is needed. As you so delicately put it " I dont Need them," My life worked before it will work again,

Agency

Agency, its a concept that has been on my mind heavily this last little bit. Why did God give us agency if it was just in his power to remove all the bad choices? That would solve things wouldn't it? I mean if you cant murder then no murders would ever happen right? sounds like a great Idea right? If someone does something just remove all possibility that they can do it again right? seems logical and sometimes necessary. But then if that was the easy way why do we even have Agency? Why are we allowed to make choices that can affect others? Is it not for our own progression? To prove ourselves to God? If only good Choices were available how could we Judge a Man by his works? If it is truly about learning to grow who are we to make choices that limit another Mans agency and be Justified in it? Consequences is one thing but for a Consequence to be effective a Man must be allowed to make a Choice that receives that consequence.

Learn how to carry a friendship greatly, whether or not it is returned. Why should one regret if the receiver is not equally generous? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet. Let your greatness educate the crude and cold companion. If he is unequal, he will presently pass away; but thou art enlarged by thy own shining.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was searching for inspiration (yes you can google it) and I came across this quote. How fitting is it to me at this time, I have been on both sides here both the cold crude companion as well as the sun that is enlarged by its own shining 

Insomnia prevails

Sleep.... Who really needs that. My mind doesn't seem to think it is very important. On and it it races unable to shut down thinking thoughts of the previous day and cant seem to find the way. I reach for some semblance of peace it is nowhere to be found. I cant believe it happened that way, yet I am the one who said it should. Is it really for the best? to just abandon in time of need? ahhhhh I just scream at the futility of the whole mess. such potential and such waste. I am but a man weak and lowly as the dust. Subject to the infirmities of this existence, Oh that my mind would cease this pointless ramble of rules and obligations broken. Or that my heart would just cope with the things not meant to be. If ever there was someone in a true quandary it is I.

The drive home.

Light starts in a dark place
The story of a car chase
And I’ve become the criminal
And fleeing from this scene
And being caught in a bad dream
The truth becomes the unthinkable, yeah

I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
To brake hard would be better 
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to feel
I'm going there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear
But the fact of the matter
Out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Out of control asleep at the wheel

Night falls with no grace
I said I can do anything
But I can do anything wrong
And with burning speed
The rear view says it's catching up to me
But I’m already gone

I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
To brake hard would be better 
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to feel
I'm going there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear
But the fact of the matter
Out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel

Tearin’ it down to open up the highway
We’re looking for our exit
No pretending
Spinning out and around
With a sobering smash
I'm staring at our car crash
Oh, the chase is ending

I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
To brake hard would be better 
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to feel
I'm going there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear
But the fact of the matter
The end is coming

I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
To brake hard would be better 
Out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Out of control asleep at the wheel

Now I am not usually one for lyrics and writing about them, But today im in such a state that my own words are not good enough to define how I feel. I heard this song while I was driving home. Its called Brink of Disaster by Mae. All I know is this life is becoming very quickly more and more complicated. The more I try to control something the less control I end up with. Why is it that I cant be satisfied, I have to jump off cliffs that I dont see the bottom of. I feel like I am missing something. Wait, I am, My friend. The one I could talk about anything to and be understood. But I wasnt satisfied with that? Now we are taking a serious reevaluation of ourselves and what we want. Not only from each other but from ourselves. I feel half empty, things will never be the same. I know we will get beyond this. But into what thats the real question. I have no idea what this all means, and I am scared to death to find out. 

So I am on the Brink of Disaster, Staring down the Consequences.... Out of control asleep at the wheel.

...

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Fraility

I seem to be in a quandary... No matter the direction no matter the personal cost I am destined to do the one thing I hate to do... Hurt those that are close to me... I can't seem to find my voice amidst the heart of reason. I am only a man I only feel human emotions, yet I wonder what is it that I am afraid of? Life? Death? Love? Failure? all the above? I have no clue how to proceed in a delicate matter when I am not delicate. Life has forged me hard and cruel yet not by choice. I am unwavering in my devotion to my principles even though at times I wonder what those are and what I mean by them... If I must be something, If I must be , Why not someone that can overlook the frailties of the human emotion. Why must I when I know I should feel empowered and overjoyed, feel such weakness... Such pain... Why must I doubt. Do I really mean what I say or is it just rhetoric to appease the masses I know not. But this I do know I am a survivor I can with God do all things... I don't see the Future but I cant let my past become my future. This day I choose which way to go. and there is no turning back no 2nd guessing no hope for a different tomorrow, It is becoming something in the wee hours of morning. When My mind says I will. I put my trust not in the Arm of Flesh but in the Rock of my salvation. As I know that I am. I know that God is. And I know that he will reveal the truth of all things if I have but faith in him. Yet I doubt... those all to common weaknesses made apparent to my scrutinous gaze. I see my faults laid before me like a puzzle with no answer. 

Strangeness

Ever get the feeling that things are going great, then the next wonder what is wrong with life?

I seem to go through this quite often, and I guess that is just life. We cant control anything but ourselves, Yet life is uncompromising things happen. I only wish I understood my own reactions to things. As today I feel apprehensive I have recently reconnected with a friend that I had not talked to for over half a year, even though I had seen her around alot. Long story I dont feel like telling. But anyway today is my friends birthday dinner which I have been invited to. I know that she will be there but I dont know what to think about that. I have this fear of sinking and drowning behind a wall of Self doubt and insecurity.